DO NOT READ THE BELOW ENTRIES IF THE TOPIC OF SELF-HARM OR SUICIDAL IDEATION IS TRIGGERING TO YOU
04.12.201X
I started a blog.
My mom is always writing on her diary. She told me it makes her feel better.
I wonder if writing here will make me feel better. Everything's been awful since we came back to Japan. I want to back to my old school and my old room. I'm tired of having to move back and forth every year over and over again.
...
This feels stupid. What am I doing? Do I introduce myself? It's a bad idea to give out your real name on the internet, but I don't think anyone will care about this blog. I don't know.
Does this count as a diary entry?
04.13.201X
Today at school we had a math exercise and I flunked it. I didn't do the homework because I didn't know how to solve the equations, so of course when I went up to the blackboard to write the answers I froze.
Everyone laughed at me until the teacher shushed them. But they were still laughing to themselves. This never happened to me in our old place.
I actually had friends back there who liked anime and games like me. Here, I'm the only filthy otaku. The girls make faces when they bump into me, like I'm going to spread my germs to them.
(I don't care about girls anyway.)
I tried to tell mom about it when she asked how my day was, but dad warned me that she was in a lot of pain and I shouldn't bother her with my problems. I feel like it's my fault that she's gotten so ill.
04.14.201X
We had P.E today. I faked that my ankle was hurting so I wouldn't have to participate in the stretches. We do pair stretches here and you have to touch each other. I hate it. Plus, nobody wants to pair up with me.
The only time I liked doing stretches was when a guy from another class joined in on the last minute, so he had to be my partner. He was really nice and he didn't cringe away from me.
But that was only one time. We're a class of 33, so I'll always be left out. Forced to be the in the one trio created out of pity.
I wish the Death Note was real so I could write P.E in it and erase it from every school in the world. I bet a lot of students like me would be super happy.
04.15.201X
My dad told me that my grandpa passed away (my dad's dad, not my mom's, her parents died before I was born) but I didn't have to worry about it because the cremation and funeral was already done with.
In other words, grandpa died and nobody bothered to tell us until after he was already put to rest. I felt so sad. We didn't visit grandpa much but he was kind.
Why didn't anyone tell dad his own dad died? I don't understand, and when I asked, he got angry. It's probably my fault somehow.
04.16.201x
Remember the guy from another class who was nice to me during P.E? When I was putting my things in my locker, I found out his name! One of his friends called out to him - they must be close because they used their first names.
Nagisa said he was going to play soccer during lunch break. I got sad because that means he probably doesn't like videogames like me. We wouldn't get along, or he'd think I'm weird because I'm not at sports even though I'm a guy.
When I got home I found the soccer ball my grandpa gave me in our attic and went outside to play. But the neighbor next door went 'It's such a miracle to see you outside' and I wanted to cry.
I don't like sports. I'm the only guy in the world who can't play soccer.
04.17.201x
I told my mom that I was writing a diary (not a blog, I don't want her to find this) and she said that it would be good for me.
Before she got hospitalized, she had a fight with my dad about not having a therapist for me here. I don't like it when they fight because of me. It's always me. Other than that, they get along fine.
I said I didn't need therapy anymore so that they'd stop fighting. Since then, everything's been great between them.
It's just as I thought. Everything would be better if I wasn't around.
04.18.201x
Forget what I wrote yesterday, mom and dad fought again. About me, of course.
Dad grabbed a pair of scissors yesterday night and said he was cutting my hair. I didn't want to, because mom is the one who cuts my hair the way I like it. Dad wants me to have short hair like his, but I honestly think it doesn't look good on him. And not on me either.
So today they fought in mom's hospital room about how I won't listen to him and that she coddles me too much. I went inside to ask them to keep it down because there were other people trying to recover in other rooms, but that only made mom start crying.
After we left and dad drove us home, he told me to never do that again. Because mom is too sick. And none of it would have happened if I had just let him cut my hair.
I locked myself in my room. I like my hair the way it is.
04.22.201x
Dad took away my phone and computer so I couldn't write in here for the last few days.
He saw my school notebooks and got mad because I have more doodles in them than actual notes. That this is why my grades are going down.
Not because he keeps having us move countries every year or that I'm not caught up with my kanji or that I miss my old school, or even that mom's sick and I worry about her all the time. No.
It's always my fault. I don't try hard enough. I don't listen to him. I whine too much. I'm not strong like him.
Everything is my fault.
04.23.201x
I read a manga about a boy who becomes a magical girl. I was so surprised to see that boys are allowed to be magical girls too. My grandma didn't like me watching Precure when I was smaller because she said it would make me a girl.
The boy in the story wears girls clothes to go school, and nobody knows he's a boy. But he still has a friend and is a super strong magical girl who helps the protagonist with her mission.
It made me wonder if I'll find a friend who likes me for the way I am one day, like Sakura and Tomoyo and her other friends. If the boy could do it, maybe I can too.
Someone nice like Nagisa. (I'm not friends with him but I don't know his last name, so I just call him Nagisa. It's okay because this is my blog, right?)
I want a friend to talk about manga and anime and games with.
04.24.201x
I really like avogado6. I think they're my favorite artist of all time. I discovered them because they made the art of one of my favorite Utaite covers.
Outside of doing art for PVs and other Vocaloid videos, they also make manga and illustrations. They're all so deep. I think avogado6 must've been someone like me when they were a kid too, or else they wouldn't write and draw about things like not wanting to study or work, suicide, cutting, and all those other depressing things.
Scrolling through avogado6's art and listening to music I like, I feel like someone out there understands me.
04.25.201x
Today I hid inside the bathroom stall at lunch because I don't like eating all by myself in the classroom. Everyone made little groups of friends and they put their desks togethers to eat, except for me.
But I don't care anymore. I'm not sad. I bring food from home and eat it alone in the third floor's bathroom (no one's ever in there during break because the third floor's for clubs) and listen to music on my phone.
I read about Shinsei Kamattechan's Noko (the vocalist) and it was very sad but I didn't feel like I was the only one in the world who suffered anymore. Noko was also bullied in school but they grew up and formed a whole band, and now they make music about people like us. I don't feel alone when I listen to their songs.
I wonder if I can make music or art too. I wouldn't be able to show mom my stories if I wrote about my feelings though.
04.26.201x
Mom called from the hospital. She sounded better and I hope she comes back home soon because I can't stand my aunt anymore. She listens to american country music all day long and smokes inside the house when my dad's away. I don't like her.
She asked if I could bring a new story to her next time I visit. I said I don't want her to read it because it's personal (I made a manga script last night after I wrote yesterday's post) and she said it's okay. But I felt bad. Mom's probably read all the books she brought to the hospital.
I want mom to get better soon. I can't make cup noodles like she does, and my dad won't let me bring any to her. I know they're not good for your health and that sick people shouldn't eat it, but it's not the same without her.
(A drawing I liked from avogado6.)
04.27.201x
Someone put their trash inside my school locker. There were people laughing behind me asking if I don't have a shower at home. I tried to say that it's not me but my voice wouldn't come out
I don't understand what I did wrong. I'm not bothering anyone. I don't hurt them, I don't laugh at them, I don't point, I don't ask stupid questions. I'm trying not to be annoying. Is it just because I'm alone? What kind of person bothers someone who's alone? If it were me, I would try to befriend them, not bully them.
I told my homeroom teacher and she said that it was a prank some guys pull on new students. That I should laugh it off. That's what other students do (apparently I'm the only person in the history of ever who does not think having their locker trashed is funny?) so I should go back to class and leave it be.
I couldn't stay in class because I could feel everyone staring at me. I thought of jumping off the classroom's window instead of having to deal with those people ever again. I wouldn't have to go to school if I broke all my legs on the fall
...
04.28.201x
I don't want to be me anymore. I want to be an anime character instead. A cool one surrounded by friends.
Like Nagisa. I watched him play soccer during break. He's cool and he comes running when his team mates need help. His hair is short and he was wearing a shirt instead of the gakuran so I saw how sweaty his neck was.
We're in two different worlds. I'm the gross otaku sitting alone in the back of the classroom, and he's the jock with a bright smile surrounded by friends. Those kind of friendships between opposites only happen in fiction.
Does he even know I exist? He doesn't remember the day we did stretches together, there's no way. That's not how real life works. Kind people aren't real.
I want to be an anime character with superpowers. Then everyone would look at me and like me for who I am. Why did I have to be born the way I am?
Does that sound really dark? it's because I've been listening nonstop to the most depressing Vocaloid songs I can find. I feel a bit better when I put them at max volume while on the way to school. If not for music, I wouldn't go to school all. It's torture.
04.29.201x
Fucking Sato and his band of minions
i didn't do anything wrong but they still do it every single day. nobody does anything they just watch
mom asked how did i injury myself since my face is all bandaged and my aunt went oh he slipped and fell on his way to school don't worry about it
my arm is broken and the nurse said i should talk to a teacher about it BUT DO YOU THINK THEY WILL DO ANYTHING? adults are stupid they only care about themselves to them children are cockroaches to step on a ignore their screams
04.30.201x
I told my literature teacher about Sato and how he made the others hurt me. He's my favorite teacher so I thought he'd listen unlike the homeroom teacher
If you cut your hair a bit and cheer up a little, they will stop. That's what he said. Smile more. Join a sports club. Find something to do with your friends.
I don't have any friends, I replied. Then, just try harder. How?
Your hair makes you look like a girl. Start with that.
....
So, it's just as dad always says. It's my fault. They're in the right because picking on the ones who are different is what normal people do. Children, teenagers, adults, everyone does it. I see it in real life and also online. Pointing and laughing is the normal thing to do.
If I were like other boys, like Nagisa or Sato, then no one would have any reason to beat me up. If I were a bully, then everyone would love me. I hate that the world works like that.
05.02.201x
I had a dream I never had before. I feel gross.
There's something wrong with me.
05.03.201x
I searched online and they say that boys start having dreams about girls when they're my age. But that can't be right.
My dream didn't have any girls. It was just me and Nagisa
05.04.201x
In last year's Kouhaku my dad told me to stop watching the Shirogumi parts of the competition because it's meant for girls. I told him that it doesn't make sense - the girl singers from the akagumi are girly and cutesy, so wouldn't girls like them better?
There's girl anime, girl music, girl toys, girl magazines. I'm not allowed to look at them because I'm a boy. So is it me or do girls have all the fun things?
(I recorded the show while he wasn't looking and watched it while was out at work. I like Arashi and Sekai no Owari. I recognized Jun Matsumoto from Arashi and I tried to pay attention to his dancing. It's amazing how in sync they are.)
05.05.201x
Mom asked me if I'm getting along with any girls. I said no.
She said that if I find a girl I like, then I should show her my writing. That my writing's the best and anyone who read the stories I wrote would fall in love with me.
I can't imagine myself ever liking a girl enough to show them my stupid stories. (I won't post them here, only mom reads them. They're not good enough to be shared with anyone else but her. She wanted to be a writer before she got married but she can't write anymore)
05.06.201x
Nagisa said good morning to me and asked what happened to my face. He asked if I found a partner for P.E and that I should do the stretches at home too.
I was so happy I couldn't reply. I ran to the bathroom and my ears were red. I've read enough manga to know what that means.
......
Well, crap.
05.07.201x
I thought about it for a bit last night, and it makes sense. I've always liked male characters better. All my friends back in the west were guys too. I don't feel anything when I look at girls, never have.
I thought the protagonists in those ecchi manga were being dramatic about liking boobs THAT much, but it turns out straight guys really do like how girls look. Not me.
I like Nagisa's hands. They're bigger than mine, I think, from the times I watched him play soccer, he might have a few broken nails too. I wonder if he has a girlfriend? Probably does, since he's popular. There's no way he'd be into guys too.
But what if he did? Would he want to hold my hand? Or walk home from school together? Has he ever kissed someo
........
What am I doing? This is stupid. There's no way Nagisa would ever look my way. I'm a filthy otaku with no friends. I'm deleting this post
05.08.201x
All the anime I can find are about boy and girl romances or girl and girl. The ones with only boys look weird and the stories aren't interesting. I read that there a lot of manga like that, but not much anime.
There's no way dad would let me buy that kind of manga. With anime I can watch on my phone after everyone's gone to sleep, but I would have to hide my manga somewhere. I don't like keeping secrets.
Then I thought of mom and how she would feel if she knew that I don't want to have a girlfriend. She always talks about how she wants to be at my wedding and see the kind of girl I'll marry and stuff. My aunt wanted me to be a girl so she could have a niece, and she always says that I should hurry and get a girlfriend so they'll have a girl to dote after in the family.
But what about what I want?
05.09.201x
I'm writing this from my phone inside a bathroom stall at school I got a letter on my locker signed 'N'? Saying that they want to talk to me alone after school and that it's important
My heart's beating so fast there's no way it's him but it's SOMEONE. Someone noticed me and wants to talk to me. Is it another otaku or someone else who's also being bullied? A boy or a girl? The handwriting looked like it's a boy but it could be either way.
It's not Nagisa, I know it's not, but I'm happy. I'm not invisible. There's at least one person in this school who cares enough about me to know my name and where my locker is!
I might make a friend tomorrow!
05.12.201x
They locked me inside one of the supply closets' lockers. Third floor after school.
It was Saturday. I don't know where they hid my clothes or my phone or my student ID
No one was around on Sunday. They only found me on Monday.
They had cigarretes and brought over knives from the home economics room.
The adult who found me and drove me home asked my aunt how come nobody reported me missing. She lied that I told her I was sleeping over at a friend's house, but I bet she forgot that I even existed.
Where's dad? Went out to solve a work issue in another town. Mom? Hospital. Anyone else who takes care of me? No.
I want to die.
05.13.201x
The doctor who treated my wounds this time asked for how long I've been hurting myself. I got mad and asked how the hell did he think I burnt myself IN THE BACK? How did he think I cut myself, do I have a third eye on my back or something? An extra arm? Did I beat my own face?
But I had understood it wrong. He meant the cut on my arm that was still bleeding, not the other injuries. I got mad for nothing. There was an adult who cared about over me for once and all I did was scream
I'm angry all the time. I screamed at mom when she called too. Everything is pissing me off, even manga I hate how everyone in manga and anime has friends and dreams I don't have that I want to lay in my bed forever and never wake up.
If I died in my room, it would take days for anyone to notice. Maybe weeks they'd find my decomposing corpse surrounded by flies and throw me away with the trash. They wouldn't even tell mom because she's sick.
I want to die.
05.14.201x
Mom called me asking if I'm still writing my diary and my stories. I have an idea for a comic but my art isn't good enough. She told me that I should write a script anyway. Mom really wants me to keep writing
I found this program that lets you make a comic without having to do any of the art. It's all 3D models and stuff. It's on sale and I haven't used my allowance this month yet. Should I buy it?
The mascot looks cute.
05.16.201x
I visited mom in the hospital and she hugged me. She asked if my aunt and dad are telling the truth about my injuries. That I'm a clumsy kid but not to that amount. She was coughing a lot and we had to call a nurse to put a mask on her so she could breathe
I never said it here but mom has a heart issue she was born with. My dad said that she only started showing symptoms when she got pregnant with me because it was too much on her body. Meaning that if I hadn't been born, then she would've been okay
She's gone through heart transplants and procedures and they gave her a ton of medications but none of it worked. She's living in the hospital i'm scared
05.17.201x
I'm trying to keep myself distracted. If I think about mom too much I get sad and anxious and I can't do anything else but worry about her.
I actually did buy that program I was talking about the other day. I started making the pages right away and I already found a place to host the comic but I don't want to share it with anyone yet. It's going to be a secret project that only I know about (I even turned off linking it on google so that no one can find it no matter what)
Dad's away for and work my aunt doesn't give a crap about what I do, so I can stay up all night working on it. I heated up some noodles and brought the food to my room so I don't have to leave my desk and can keep working. When I make the pages, I forget all about mom's illness and school and dad. It's just the story that matters.
It's so fun. I want to make more comics. I wonder if I should post some screenshots here?
05.19.201x
Mom's gotten sicker. The doctors asked me if dad has talked about 'extreme measures'. I don't know. My aunt doesn't either.
She can't tell us the answer. She's too sick and dad isn't here
05.20.201x
I screamed at dad. He knew how sick mom was but he still went away to work somewhere else and she's suffering so much and he should've been by her side the whole time
I'm an ungrateful child
05.21.201x
My mom's going to die. She can't breathe by herself anymore. The last time I talked to her, she asked me if I was okay.
I want to say it was a lie, but she can't hear me
06.11.201x
the packages
that my dad ordered (he orders a lot of things from the internet since momdied were closed too tight so he went to find a box opener but it wasnt there
who took it? maybe he'll finally look at me now
06.12.201x
thats right its for attention dad i'm doing it because you wont turn around to look at me what was the last time you asked how im feeling??? yeah? never? did you ever care about me? will you care about me im dead?
when my brains are in the sidewalk will you finally understand
10.05.201x
It's been a while.
I got messages from people who read my blog. People who were wondering if something had happened to me. I'm alive.
I just don't feel like writing here anymore. I have some projects that I'm writing for instead; it's easier to write fictional characters than to talk about my life.
Someone said 'I'm sorry that the adults around you can't look at your pain', and I had to laugh. That's how all adults are. They've completely forgotten what being a kid, or a teenager, was like.
There are adults reading this right now. What kind of adult are you? Have you stopped to think about the people in your life? Do you look only at yourself, selfishly nursing your own pain over and over? Personally, that's how every adult around me right now is like.
Someday everyone is going to die, and only then you'll all realize how utterly meaningless everything is. Mark my words.
10.06.201x
Here's my daily proof of life. I'm not dead yet.
The past few months, I've watched a lot of Higurashi no Naku Koro ni, but I stopped at the second season because I heard that the visual novel is a million times better. I'm slowly reading my way through it. Ryukishi's writing can be a bit of a slog, but I can't stop myself from coming back to it.
I like time loops. The chance to try over and over. Fix previous mistakes. I like the angst and pain that the loop causes as a storytelling method too, but the 'stuck in a time loop' genre of media really speaks to me for some other reason I can't quite explain.
Anyway, I'm alive. That's all.
10.07.201x
Not dead yet.
Does anyone really care? What kinds of things does the audience here want? I don't know.
Bokurano's anime is pretty good. Different from the manga, but it might scare you off. The anime's happier. Every character gets their own chapter dedicated to them, and... well, I don't want to give out any spoilers. If I say too much, it'll ruin the story for you.
I've been playing Danganronpa a lot - the first one. I'm looking for a piece of media in the killing game genre that's actually good and not absurdly hilarious, but Danganronpa is not that. Does that kind of manga or anime or game exist? I'm searching for it.
...What do people want from this page?
10.08.201x
As alive as I can be.
I laughed to myself yesterday while writing that last post. I'm fully here talking as if there is a group of various people who care about this blog, instead of two or three vaguely concerned strangers. Nobody has that much free time.
Could you imagine if I wasn't who I said I was? Like I'm some random hacker who got in this nobody's blog and pretended to be him? What if I really were dead
and the person writing this is just someone with a sense of humor? Or maybe I'm a ghost. Boo.
I'm incapable of dying. I don't know why. It doesn't matter what I do, I always survive. Why? It's a cruel joke. People who want to live should live, but instead, here I am, alive. They should study me or something. Find the cure for immortality. Kill me while they're at it.
And yet. I'm alive.
10.09.201x
Not a corpse yet.
Someone asked what happened to Sato, and if he got caught for what he and he his friends did. The world is never that perfect.
So I decided I have to solve it myself. I have it all figured out thanks to Keiichi. I'll use every single bit of anger and resentment I have in me to accomplish what I have to do, even though I'm weak. I owe that to myself.
The burn marks never went away and I forgot to buy the ointment they recommended so I guess it's just going to stay like that forever. It doesn't hurt anymore.
But it's going to hurt for him.
10.10.201x
For the love of God, I'm not commiting murder. Who do you think I am? I just want to scare him off. As a joke, you see, because everything he did to me was also a joke. A very funny one.
If anyone asks why you did something bad, just say it was a joke. You'll be forgiven immediately, people will talk about how much of a prankster you are, and that's it. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Look at how hilarious I am.
I'm just being silly, like boys my age do. Point and laugh. Point and laugh.
10.12.201x
Everything is fine. He's not going to tell on anyone, he knows what'l happen if he does. It was an accident.
Nobody looked at me from the start, and they won't start to now.
it might be finally over. I might be freed.
10.13.201x
They don't look away from me or cringe away when they bump into me. They're not disgusted anymore, they don't laugh or point at me. It's the first time school hasn't been completely hellish since I moved back here at the start of the year.
Turns out that my teacher was half-right, in the end, that I was acting like a girl. I won't cut my hair, but I found another way. It turned out that the solution was in my computer screen all along.
There's nothing manlier than violence. Children are afraid of their fathers for a reason. I'd rather be feared than hated
If my dad bothered to call, he'd be proud of me, I think.
10.15.201x
I don't have anything to say. Everything is alright in class. Nobody bothers me and I'm trying to get my grades back up. I'm living by myself so there's nothing to worry about except for the laundry and taking out the trash.
I feel light, for the first time since I started this blog. Like I can finally live. Maybe that's why I didn't die, so that I could defeat the villain myself. If I hadn't, then he would've moved on to another lonely nerd in school and repeated the torture all over again.
I'll come back to write another post if anything relevant happens.
I don't have anything else to share.
11.03.201x
nothing is fair nothing matters nother is relevant i cant live like this no one would care if i died right now i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die i want to die
11.04.201x
i want a friend i want to be hugged i want to be loved i want to have a family that looks at me like the ones on tv and games and manga do why cant i have that? am i a bad person? did i something wrong? is it because mom died and its my fault? i didnt want mom to die i never meant to stress her out im sorry mom im sorry mom sorry dad i killed the woman you love i wish someone would love me too
sorry that i hurt everyone that im unlikeable that im unlovable that im broken that i like guys that i cant like girls that i cant be normal that i cant be like you want me to be that i cant play sports im sorry im sorry im sorry its my fault everyone is sad and the family is in shambles because of me
11.20.201x
stop pretending that you care if you really cared you'd tell me the correct way to die none of it works ive searched and searched and searched over over and over and over again but she wont let
11.21.201x
11.30.201x
I'm alive. I told you people, I can't die. Stop emailing me.
I'm moving back to the west next year. Alone, to start the new school year. It won't be like before because I'm not like how I was before. I don't want do anything. I haven't left my house in a month. The house's a complete pigsty but I don't have energy to clean it except for mom's altar (mom's altar is always clean
Where I lived before, you can quit high school. I might drop out and stay home forever It's not like my dad cares, he hasn't looked at me in the eye since mom died and he was too much of a coward to be there when she couldn't breathe anymore so he left it all to me. i hope he dies
Leave me alone. Please. Don't give me something else to feel guilty about.
12.04.201x
Mom couldn't cook. When she had to take care of me we'd order takeout or eat leftovers. She somehow managed to burn rice and salt the pasta too much and cut her fingers while chopping tomatoes, so I asked her to just heat up some noodles for me instead.
We went out to the store together and bought cup noodles. The ones dad never let me buy because they're unhealthy. Just this once, mom said, we'll keep it a secret from him. She giggled with me as we went to the cashier, like little kids up to no good.
Cup noodles are impossible to mess up. Follow the 4-step instructions, and you're set. Even I could do it, but mom insisted that she wanted to do it because she was the mom. I think that she felt not mom-like, I don't know. She put the noodles in the microwave and we waited.
When she took it out and sat down with me to eat, I had to do a double take. These were the crunchiest, driest noodles I had ever seen. Some of it was fine, but the ones on top looked almost uncooked. It turned out that she misread the microwaving time on the noodles' packaging, and that was the result.
I ate the noodles. Not because I was hungry, but because mom looked like she was about to cry. She apologized. Didn't believe me when I said that I liked the noodles and that only my mom would make these kind of noodles. She's the only mom in the world who makes them like this. I don't want any other kind of cup noodles.
It was a lie back then, but she made them again and again for me. I came to love her 'cooking'.
I can't replicate them. I don't know how she made the top noodles be crunchy but not the bottom ones. It doesn't taste the same. It doesn't smell the same. And she's not eating it with me.
Mom's been gone for half a year.
12.26.201x
Mom's birthday would be today. No one came to visit her altar or called me. Not even dad showed up.
I don't doubt that he cares about her, he just doesn't care about me. I wonder if it's because I look like her, or if he never loved me in the first place. Did he want me? I don't remember ever hearing him say he loves me or that he's proud of me. Dads are supposed to do that. The moment mom died, there wasn't any reason for him to want to be around me anymore.
But today was supposed to be about mom. I want to buy flowers for her but going outside makes me want to die. If she saw me like this, she'd cry. She doesn't want me to lock myself in. I know. But I can't. I just can't.
staying in is the only way i found to stop the thoughts. the moment i step outside, i cant move, i cant breathe, all i can think about is the box cutter under the kitchen sink and the fact that i will never be able to be normal
...
happy birthday, mom.
01.01.201x
New year. I'm going back to the west soon.
I don't feel anything. I just want to stay home.
01.21.201x
It's worse here. Everyone's looking at me. Everyone knows what I am and what I feel
Why am I me? Why can't I be normal? Why? Why? Why? Why couldn't I have been born a sporty outgoing person? a straight one? a happy one? a girl? not a boy? neither? why am i like this? how do i become normal?
01.22.201x
You can buy firearms here. I forgot about that.
My green card and passport should be enought to get the permit, but I don't want to go outside. How ironic would it be if I used dad's money to buy ammo and stuff?
...
On the internet I see a lot of people calling cutters attention-seekers. Do they think people who kill themselves do it for the attention too? What use is attention when you're dead?
01.23.201x
I have to take out the trash. I can't do it by myself. I tried putting on music and closing my eyes but it doesn't work
01.24.201x
The moment I try to step outside I hear voices from behind me and above me and under me telling me that I'm a waste of space and that I'm disgusting and I'm a loser and I shouldn't be alive
I've stopped listening to music, it's useless. They're louder than any pair of earphones or headphones
02.02.201x
I haven't been out of my apartment since I got here. I want to stay like this forever.
02.05.201x
No one knows what happens after you die. If it's darkness forever or if you just reincarnate and start life all over again. If heaven and hell exist, then does that mean that you technically get to keep living? What if heaven for me would be just ceasing to exist altogether?
I don't believe in God or angels or blessings. If they were real, then I would not be in so much pain. Mom would not have died like that. Sato would've gotten what he deserved way sooner.
If God loves us so much, why do horrible things happen to everyone everywhere?
02.12.201x
It's not just voices I can feel people looking at me I know that's impossible because people don't have eyes on their backs
02.16.201x
My classes start soon. I don't know if I'm going. I want to quit, but I know I should go. Mom would want me to keep studying and get a good job and make a life for myself.
But I don't have any dreams. No goals. Nothing I want to achieve. I just want to sleep. What do I do? If I have to keep living, then could someone just tell me what do I do with this life? Please. What am I living for?
Do I keep living until I finish all of my projects? Is that it? I'll make it a really stupid, meaningless, dramatic story, leave my mark on earth, and then I'm gone.
....Does that count as a dream to achieve?
02.18.201x
I'm trying to go outside for a bit every day. 30 seconds, then a minute, and so on. It's getting better, I think.
I still hear voices but I have to do this. I have to. If I don't go out to get food, I'll starve to death. I need to get water too. Even if everyone thinks I'm a creep for going everywhere with a mask and a hoodie, it's better than putting a face to the source of the voices
02.23.201x
It sounds stupid, but I feel better.
It's painful but I keep thinking to myself that I'll be able to stay home all day after it's done. After school is done, I can do whatever I want.
I can stay home and work on the saga every single day until I finish it. Then I'm free. I can go. That's it.
I'll finish this project because it's the last thing I'll ever do. This is a promise with myself.
02.24.201x
02.26.201x
02.27.201x
I can stay outside for two hours without feeling like shooting myself in the mouth. Hooray?
02.28.201x
03.10.201x
My classes start next week. I haven't been writing here because I'm focused on my stories. I might stop posting here for now so I can fully immerse myself in that project.
Rereading this blog made me think of the whole Higurashi phase I had. I don't want to talk about it here, but something changed, I grabbed my laptop and opened a blank page to write on. By the time I stopped, it was too late to pretend that I hadn't just poured too much into a cup that was not meant to hold so much liquid.
...
It's been weird having this blog for so long.
What kind of person will I be when I come back? An adult? One of the bad ones, or the mysterious good ones that only exist in fiction and people's imaginations of what their parents - and their future selves - will be like?
I'm an awful, unlikeable person. I have no qualities or good things going for me. I will stay this way forever, without any friends, cast off from my family and hurting myself to feel better for a few moments. But I'll be a grown up. Will it be worse? Will I hurt other people instead of only me?
I hope not. If I'm the only one hurting, then everyone else is happy.
That's all. Goodbye.
- amasyun
05.15.2020
...It's been years since I last logged in to update this page. I was 14 years old back when I first posted here. Most of what's written in this site deeply embarrasses me, it's the equivalent of finding your diary from middle school, but for the whole world to see instead of just you.
I'm deleting this blog soon. I doubt anyone remembers it or even still visits it. If you know me from my creative projects, then you know very well what happened and what's going to happen. What I tried to make happen. What I still want to happen.
Please don't look for me. I'm out there somewhere.
The owner of the world's #1 most concerning google search history since age 14, still a filthy otaku, still gay, still a shut-in, still friendless, still with daddy issues...
Mom was wrong. 14 year old me could not write for shit.
I've never been a good writer at all. Never have, never will be.
That's it. It's over.
And goodbye to this cringe blog. Forever. Forever. Forever. Forever.